1) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather ---
peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the
passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:
'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'"
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so?
There's a support group for that.
It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a
desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into
doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night,
drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without
even considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and
we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to
leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice.
There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they
should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said,
'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study:
'Duh.'"
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway
through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....
I could be eating a slow learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of
people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime
and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson
12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida ,
but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld
14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of
fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line
from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that?
What, do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many.
Monogamy is the same."
--Oscar Wilde
16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself."
--Mark Twain
17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least they can find Afghanistan."
--A. Whitney Brown
18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog,
and the dog will give you a look that says,
'My God, you're right!
I never would've thought of that!'"
--Dave Barry
19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"?
Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken.
--Unknown, presumed deceased
20) "Everybody's got to believe in something.
I believe I'll have another beer."
- W. C. Fields
And lastly:
Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?!
Reply
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John
Edwards were flying to a convention.
Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw
a $1,000 bill out of The window right now and make somebody very
happy."
Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I Could throw ten $100
bills out of the window And make ten people very happy."
John added, "That being the case, I could throw One hundred $10 bills
out of the window and make A hundred people very happy."
Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes And said to the
co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there.
I could throw all of them out of the window and Make 156 million
people very happy."
If you're one of those 156 million forward this!
Reply
DEER MEAT
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess.
The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'.
The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole…
Reply
lemayvileusa / Blog
Joke of the day
1) "When I die, I want to die like my grandfather --- peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown 2) "Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: 'Take two aspirin' and 'Keep away from children.'" --Author Unknown 3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." --Drew Carey 4) "The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house." --Jeff Foxworthy 5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry 6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp." --Bob Ettinger 7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.'" --Paula Poundstone 8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'" --Conan O'Brien 9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery 10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni 11) "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson 12) "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez 13) "My parents didn't want to move to Florida , but they turned sixty and that's the law." --Jerry Seinfeld 14) "Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson 15) "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde 16) "Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain 17) "Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan." --A. Whitney Brown 18) "You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'" --Dave Barry 19) Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, presumed deceased 20) "Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer." - W. C. Fields And lastly: Why in Hell should I have to Press 1 for English?!
Reply
Another joke for today. I had to, it was too funny!
Presidential candidates, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama and John Edwards were flying to a convention. Barack looked at Hillary, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of The window right now and make somebody very happy." Hillary shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I Could throw ten $100 bills out of the window And make ten people very happy." John added, "That being the case, I could throw One hundred $10 bills out of the window and make A hundred people very happy." Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes And said to the co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. I could throw all of them out of the window and Make 156 million people very happy." If you're one of those 156 million forward this!
Reply
Joke of the day
DEER MEAT A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue. Well, he said, 'It's what mommy calls me sometimes'. The little girl screams to her brother 'Don't eat it, it's an asshole…
Reply