fighting autism.

Sunday, November 22, 2009 ♥ 1:55 PM

I wondered what was going through your mind. As you brought your hand to my face. I wondered what it would be like, if you could just ask. Maybe you could ask me to help you take your belt off backwards. Sometimes, I just don't understand the cues you show. But I forgive you before and after every fit you throw. Many think that you're defective, But I don't know what they're expecting... You were just built with a beauty that most don't understand. Even I don't understand you sometimes. And I can't feel the pain you have inside. I can try express to you that you hurt me, with your hand. But, like me, you don't seem to understand. It's like a language barrier has been built by some force out of our hands. That blocks our minds from understanding each others pain and plans. But even though I don't quite get every thing you do. Like hitting me accidentally while you're twirling your shoes. Or Pulling out my hair, when there's just nothing else to do... I know that I'll always be here for you, I will not walk out or ever give up on you, I have a love for you that goes the deepest in my heart, and I don't have to understand it for it's been there from the start. It's ever growing, every day it's stronger than I can bear, And Typical and Autistic do not hold a meaning there.

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september 5 2009.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009 ♥ 3:17 PM

At 5 every morning you roll out of your place. You're never home anymore, you're not even sure what to call home. It's been weeks since you've welcomed the warm sheets on your own bed. You feel like it's calling your name. But you're not yourself these days. You shake on your jeans and give a disappointed look to yourself in the bathroom mirror. "Who are you?" Your eyes gaze upon the being looking back at you. Every move you make is her's, too. But the cold brown eyes gazing into yours... Are not a pair you care to own. You skip breakfast to get a few more minutes of sleep. And go out to your car, though you're dead on your feet. The voices of instruments guide you to contentment, and the words of 5 angels, leave your mind to it's thoughts. At work you are joyful, or you seem that way. It seems there's no one around who can ruin your "good day." And after, you walk, for a while before leaving. Kicking leaves, sticks, and water. You shiver at your thoughts. The graveyard is where you spend 5 minutes to think. "I'm dead in my mind." You can't remember how it happened. You don't remember when it happened. But it's been months since you were in your own being. You're dead and gone now. You're walking back now. And you thought you saw the girl you once were, but she was just a reflection, in the muddy waters. So you leap into the cold waters of the winter, Trying to let the hypothermia claim the breaths that you take. But your old common sense finds you again. As you climb, trembling out of the below freezing slush, you feel anger at yourself for the save. You know that you're dying, you're dying inside. And you've made yourself a slave to your emotions, and stress. And you've only yourself to blame. And the words you write now, they've lost their luster. And the person you were, is lost in the clusters, of people you used to befriend, that you let walk away. You're nothing right now. You've lost sight of yourself. You've unhinged your mind. And you've unplugged yourself. "Who are you?" Maybe in the days to come, everything will fall into place. And maybe you just need some space. Maybe you're just hiding yourself. Hiding in fear of hurting yourself. Or of being hurt again. You'll find yourself. You will. Have faith.

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august 4 2009

_____________________________ Look at my eyes, I'm telling you to stop. Telling me I can't, Making me believe I can't. Look into my eyes, growing cold with fear, You're telling me I won't, and now the tears appear. I'm feverish, when I'm around every one of you. I can't be afraid forever of what is Brand new. I have to venture, out into the great unknown. Someday I will and I won't look back again, I know. Scream atop your lungs, I heard you twice before. Telling me to stop dreaming as much. My mind can't focus, on what you are saying. Because I know I'm alone, I must stop obeying. Now look into my heart, I'm telling you I can. Please don't be afraid for me, I know where I stand. I'm telling you I will, and now you're crying for me. I'm anxious, I'm nervous, I need your support. I can't fear forever to make those retorts. You know, when I go, I'll always come back to you. You know. ___________________________

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july 10, 2009.

There are days that I can't seem to get through without holding tightly to your memory. There are days that memories bring tears, And they seem to go on, and on, leaving me weary.

I sometimes laugh and remember you, When I see a young girl's hand clutching her grandpa's. Other times, I can't bear the sight. And turn away, wishing I could touch yours once more.

I can't bear to visit you at your grave, as you told me never to imagine you laying underground. I can't really think of you in heaven, When I feel you six feet underneath of me, laying down.

And I see the memories of you. In old photos and home movies, around my house, too. I wish I could run with you. Once more I wish you could chase me through the door.

Apart since forever, that's you and me. I'm music without soul most days, without you. Wondering and Watching, will you come back for me? With you in my world... I'd feel more complete. I love you.

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july 4, 2009.

♥ 12:03 AM

See my life in all it's glory, golden lining shine on through. See me fight, now I'm weary, Looking down and now I'm blue.

See me look at all the people. Dodging looks now, here and there. See me strum on my guitar, Complacently, I am aware.

See me walk around this world, I hang my head as I walk by. See my sadness isn't mild. And a tear drops from my eye.

See me Laugh at most in life. Hiding away from all of you. See me hide from my own strife. And know what I am going through.

See me look into your eyes, Know that I can see through you. See me realize no surprise, I didn't put much trust in you.

See me lose my path to safety, Running hopelessly nowhere. See me run into his arms, and know that you have put me there.

See that I am now a changed one, I've Run astray of all known dreams, See that in a way I've come undone. And you made that change in me.

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july 4 2009.

Saturday, July 4, 2009 ♥ 2:28 AM

Look, Look inside of me. Gaze into my cold, brown eyes, there's not much left inside to see. Look, Look inside my heart. Peer into the shattered pieces. Try to put together all that's torn apart. People leaving, People Screaming, Promises ain't no one keeping. ... and I can't fix it. No. I can't fix it. Not alone. Look, Look inside of yourself, You were here now, once before. You watched her walk away, not in Stealth Look, Look into your advice, what you say to me, choose words carefully. And you'll see it as no surprise. Holding Hands, Holding Hearts. Holding on until they crumble apart. ... and you can't fix it. No you couldn't fix it. Not alone. ... And I realize that it seems like it should be easy... to let go of someone who's done you wrong. But when once there were so many things that went right, it's hard to just walk out of his life. Even if you realize he's not there. Holding on to the tiniest string of happy memories, until there's none, and all you need's a friend to pick you up. Off of the ground. Dust your knees, Help you out. That's where I am. Dreading the end. Of what felt so right. But... I ... Was... Wrong... Again.

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june 25 2009.

Thursday, June 25, 2009 ♥ 6:42 PM

As I lay staring up at the stars, With my mind drifting away so far, And though I wonder what up there could be. I feel as though someone's staring back at me. A child version of my tired self. Is glaring down upon this image, she doesn't like what she sees. But I know she doesn't understand the raised eyebrows, she doesn't know what life is like now. She remembers lying on the couch, watching ninja turtles. Riding on her Pappy's back, and listening contently to his voice. She remembers toys at every outing and all the childhood joys, But struggle wasn't plain to her back when life was good. Back when playing with her best friend meant walking out the front door, and Momma didn't have to worry about fearing to lose her. When love was something reserved for family, games, and tunes. When Michael Jackson stole her heart when he "walked on the moon." And I know she doesn't understand, that Pappy's not with me. And I think maybe if he was, my life would likely still be, Oblivious to suffer, hunger, problems everywhere. Still playing my guitar more than I eat, or talk, or stare. Yeh she remembers Games, and fun, and carelessness. And Dreams, and Grass, and Wildness, When music played throughout her body, soul, and mind. When she knew nothing of apocalypse, violence, and crime. I wish that I still knew that girl, She made me what I am. She's always in my memories, and I'm her biggest fan. We liked, Watching Pete and Pete, and staying home from school. We thought wearing overalls, and boys underwear was cool. We didn't mind holding spiders, and rarely stopped to intake food. It's like she knew that there was little time, and we had so much to do. We didn't mind the Sound of Music, and Hemingway was great! Mom would read a chapter to her before she climbed in bed. And call it Nostalgia, I do too. Life was great then when the music was on. I miss being little, and cutely singing the blues. Life was good then, I had it won. And now all I see is struggle, and hate. Children starving in third world countries, abroad. In the faces of wasteful rich people with food on their plate. ...Financial problems, prejudice, and fraud. I see Gasoline hogs, and spiteful people who try. To make people lose jobs, friends, and glee. I see really mean people try to make others cry. this is a prison we live in... no one is free. There's laws that ban speech, and freedom of choice. We've lost our foundations, it's falling away. And I hardly understand why some are so poised. Unphased by this country going astray. And now that another piece of my childhood has died off. The world gets even harder to face. To look myself in the eye, without fear, I cannot. It's hard to say if I'll be okay. I may need help to find my way. ...and as the music came to a stop, so laid to rest the King of Pop.

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june 21 2009.

I took the pen across the paper, writing what was in my head. I wrote the letter to my grandpa, The Greatest friend I ever had. The man who helped me write my first song. And how to feel the music within me, And as the days go by without him... I feel the music run through me. And though I know I never see him, I know that he is in my heart, And when I feel I need to vent, When I feel I need a friend, That's when the music starts again. Yeh, They told me he was gone. But I didn't think he'd be, When his soul left his body, I think he found his heaven in me. And every time I take a breath, When I am sad or I'm content, I realize he's inside, And I breathe relief again. Cause I feel the music deep in me... Yeh because he's in my heart, We're walking this earth together. And I'm glad we'll never part. He's mine, now and forever. He's the music within me.

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june 9 2009.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009 ♥ 4:42 PM

Knee deep in my own mistakes, with nothing left to do but just pray, for piece, of mind, following what is left of a map, with lack an escape plan, again to leave, behind. All the things I'm running from, All the words I left unsaid and the things I left, undone. Forget the past. Forget the future. My now has just begun. ... And I'm not sure I like this one. Bits and pieces of raw emotion, Surround me and suffocation at your hands. without. your love. I'm not sure what or where I am running toward, Don't really see familiar faces, or friendly ones to meet. I feel. alone. This whole new world is not my home, that world I know shattered long ago, never to return. But I'm, okay. Staring at the clouds, The rain is falling down. I'll make a home again. I'll make this world my friend.

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I lied.

Friday, June 5, 2009 ♥ 4:38 AM

But you know your power and you turn it on, like you've done it all before. You pull away just when you know that I need you more. And you're so laid back when you twist me and I crack There's a moment when distance is done - when we are one, when we are one.

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Oh dear god, what have I done? have I fallen in love with the wrong one? The one I kiss to say good night. The one with whom I often fight.

Or is it he, that we just speak? Together forever, were we meant to be? The one I see upon a screen. The one who's voice sings me to sleep.

Oh lord, please tell me if you can. Am I holding the hand of the right man? The one I feel comfortable to be around. Who turned my world upside down.

what about he who's hands I feel? As if they were truly real? Touching his keyboard to say "hello." Talking for hours, I turn to jello.

Oh father, do me a favor please. Is it he, that drops down to his knees? Praying that I might marry him. Maybe I'd be ready then.

Or is it he that I know well? Is it he where my heart dwells? The one that I have yet to meet. Who makes me slightly more complete.

I know you'd help me if you could. If you could say I know you would. But for now, I think I love them each. Seperately for different things.

I love he who holds my hand at night, who walks with me and holds it tight. I love him more than I could say. For our relationship I pray.

And he who types and sings to me, I love him as a friend you see. Indeed, He's a very decent friend, I'll pray to keep that in the end.

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Oh silliness. felt like writing, stupid and awful things. don't take this too far out of context, it's just something that sort of came to me, and I felt I should write down. I'm not too thrilled about the out come. But eh, why not? = ]

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